Thank You!

This past weekend I got to be an adult. Not Mommy the grown up but Beth the adult. I have not felt very good about Beth the adult lately. I let Mommy the grown up to take over at times and forget to be just Beth once in a while. But this past weekend, I reconnected with Beth and Shelly.  Friday night we had dinner with friends, a couple that are older than we. Saturday we went to a basketball game. Now, I am not a big basketball fan. Football, Baseball, yeas, Basketball, not really. But I am a pirate fan and I am a Shelly fan and went willingly and with an open mind and found I had a really good time. We went with another couple, more our age. After the game, we went grocery shopping for New Years eve and day dinners, a mundane chore but together it was rather enjoyable. We had dinner with the same couple we went to the ballgame with and spent New Years Eve with them.

Both Shelly and I commented to each other how we enjoyed being together and how neither of us felt the need to get a laugh with our friends at the other's expense. A caring and repsectful trait I appreciate in him.

Sunday we went to church together, not because we had to take McKenna and be the "good parent" but because we wanted to as a couple. It was nice. We went to lunch together, spent time in the afternoon and while I went to get McKenna from her dad, Shelly was at my house cleaning up from Christmas and getting ready for my mom to come eat d
inner with us and the girls. When I got back the house looked WONDERFUL! The kitchen, living room, table set and loads of laundry going. I can not tell you how great that felt to have the help.

Thank you Shelly. My weekend with you has helped me come back to work with a good attitude and today, I had a good day as Ms. Webb the teacher.

Welcome 2012

Philippians 3:13-14
New International Version (NIV)


13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

New Year Roman Mythology

Who Is Janus?

Janus is an ancient Roman, composite, obscure god who is associated with doorways, beginnings, and transitions. A usually two-faced god he looks to the future and the past. The concepts of January and janitor are both based on aspects of Janus.

The guest pastor at church today told the story of the Roman god Janus. It made me think how interesting, we tend to look back instead of looking forward. Yes, where we come from, our experiences have brought us to where we are, but they do not define who we can be and where we can go.

It reinforced my mantra "Believe in the promise of tomorrow" and as well look at a new year full of only tomorrows, I will recommit to my beliefs and welcome 2012.

Definition of Insanity

It is said the the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. I must be insane. I am looking at the new year thinking that oh this year I will lose weight (did that in years past, and I weigh more now than I did then), that I will get organized (did that in years past), will work on the house (did that in years past and the house now needs repair not just sprucing up), I am still debating going back to school (and have lost the opportunity to finish a degree in 6 classes - new state licensure requires the complete masters not just an add on to the masters I have), things do not look like they will get any better with the coordinator of the program I teach in and how he interacts with me, and I continue to beat myself up for wasting the days away watching TV and yet the remote buttons have about lost their numbering from my channel surfing. I know I am the only one who can change it. I know it starts with me. I know I will feel better if I get back to the gym, learn to eat right, lose weight, take care of my house, get active and yet I continue to allow depression to swallow me.

Insanity!

One Year Past, Another to Come

2010 is closing. 2011 will come with the turning of the clock just as each day comes and I believe in the promise of tomorrow. At midnight the promise of a new day, a new year, a new decade will come. What will you do with it? (I ask myself)

What will you do with the time that's left?
Will you live it all with no regret?
Will they say that you loved till your final breath?
What will you do with the time that's left?

And what will you with the time that's past?
Oh and all the pain that seems to last?
Can you give it to Jesus and not look back?
What will you do with the time that's past?

And what will He say when your time has come?
And He takes you into His arms of love
With tears in His your eyes will He say "well done"?
What will you say when your time has come?

Kutless - What Faith Can Do

Hit the video play, if you are looking at the actual blog and not just the email notice, to hear while reading... a positive few minutes in your day!

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
http://www.elyricsworld.com/what_faith_can_do_lyrics_kutless.html
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

What If...

We could all play the "What if" game forever and never exhaust the possibilities. We do the "what if" when a situation has not occured in a way we had hoped for and consider the better possibilities.
Today I had many "what ifs" flow through my head and an so blessed that none of them came true.
McKenna and I had gone to paint pottery with friends today when the person at the pottery place asked if there was someone by the name of Beth or Bess who knew a Melissa. Well I am Beth and I know an Alyssa so she handed me the phone. It was my mother saying Alyssa had been in a car accident and the ambulance was heading to the ER and I needed to get there.
Alyssa had been turning left out of our neighborhood and looked left to a clear road, then right to see a car coming but enough distance away she could go, when she did, a car going too fast was rounding the curve to her left. She hit the gas to move out of the way but the car TBoned her on the driver's side fortunately directly behind the driver in the rear quarter panel of her car. She was not wearing her seat belt.
What if the car had hit 6 inches ahead of where it had hit?
What if Alyssa had not pressed the gas to try to get out of the way?
What if the car had hit directly on the driver's door?
What if?
Instead, I am blessed that God hears my prayers each day to protect my children and keep them in His healing hands.
Instead I was able to bring my child home, banged up and bruised with a broken rib and a missing tooth but ok.
I can replace a car. We can replace the tooth. The rib will heal and the bruises and scraps will too. I can not even imagine the what ifs that would be any different, worse that what blessing I had today.
God, continue to protect my children and keep us all from those "what ifs"

Powerful story!

Easter Opening from Covenant Church on Vimeo.

Broken & Beautiful

I was talking to someone today about how we are all human, not expected to be perfect and we make mistakes. Small fixable ones, big honkin ones we think we will never recover from or receive forgiveness but we do. I told them that God loves us broken as we are and still in His eyes sees us a beautiful... Broken & Beautiful.

I went to CR for the first time tonight in many many months. I was met with such warmth and genuine welcoming. Hugs, smiles, Beth so glad to see you, I am glad you are here and many many "How is Chad?" "Where is Chad?" I mean the people that know him in the church know he has gone to Phoenix, some of them. It was the people that come in on the bus that would ask me, people I did not know. I had no idea he had made such and impact on a some of them.

Scott sang. It is always wonderful to hear his voice sing praises. After at Solid Rock Cafe, he asked how Chad was, I said he has been better. He wanted to know if school was going well, I said yes. He was blown away to hear that he was in Phoenix and very upset at himself for not knowing or contacting him. He was thinking that since Chad had not contacted him (his CR sponsor) that he was doing well. He was openly upset. Wait, this all does tie in ... Before he knew Chad was in Phoenix, he asked what we were doing Saturday and would we like to go to see a concert with him and his wife Saturday. That is when I told him he was in Phoenix. So he still extended the tickets ... it is a Mark Schultz concert! Broken & Beautiful!

God works in amazing ways. Glad He knows my music too... now can he have someone want to give me Third Day, Switchfoot or Casting Crown tickets? :)

Where is my Place In This World

Isn't that a question we all ask, where do I belong? We are all searching for our place in this world. So many choices to make in life are we making the right ones? If we chose to open out heart to someone how do we know with them is where we belong? If we chose this school to go to, is this where we should be (Alyssa is asking that question) and then we ask, What next?

I don't know. I thought I found where I belonged but I was not wanted. I remember this song and how I believed it described me when I first heard it many many years ago and as I hear it now, sadly it still does. But then again, it describes many of us.

Honored

I feel honored that the AIG teachers in Pitt County would choose me as AIG teacher of the year. I have worked hard to keep the STRIDE program going and still a rigorous program for our students. I will be glad when this year is over. The past two years of redesigning curriculum and training teachers has taken its toll. I am ready to get a handle on the rest of my job.

It was an honor to be chosen a finalist for the State AIG Teacher of the Year program. We were in Winston Salem this past week for the conference. I was not chosen as the state teacher. When they read an excerpt from the woman who did win, it was her supervisor that said she was an asset to the program and very helpful to other teachers. Maybe my supervisor should have written a letter stating that if I had not stepped up to the plate to run the program, the county would have been in a mell of a hess. As it is, he did not write a letter on my behalf. It would have been nice to bring the honor back to Pitt County because we have a strong AIG program. Personally I am honored to have been chosen by my peers.

Focus on Where You Are Going

Two years ago Chad dressed up in a tie and everything and formally asked me to be his girlfriend. Or maybe I should say his friendgirl as we were always friends first. I decorated his room for Valentines day that year. A print I made for his wall was a picture of two people riding a motorcycle, you could not see the people (slightly in the rear view mirror) it was their view looking out ahead over the handle bars. I printed on it "Focus on where you are going" because he always said that is what he liked about riding. You had to focus ahead.
As you know, Chad left in December to focus ahead for himself and go to MMI to learn to be a motorcycle mechanic. 2300 miles away. Makes for a long distance relationship which is never easy. We all need to focus on where we a going. Sometimes that means leaving things behind. It has been hard to get in touch with him and he was not really talking to anyone. I ran into his Dad's wife online and said hello. I asked her if she had heard from him, not since January 30th was her remembrance. So she asked for the update. When I told her we had not really talked since January 19th she became concerned. Both she and his dad had banked on that Chad was talking to me as his priority so they did not think about his not contacting them so much. His dad became very concerned and they both started trying to contact him in a variety of ways. They did, talked some and his dad told him to call me. He did. We talked and determined that Chad needs to put his energy into focusing on where he is going and let go of what he left behind. He did not want to be the next guy to disappear on me. I understand often what we want and what we have in us to give are two different things. That I understand, the silence I couldn't. It will be OK.

Good thing we were always friends first and that is what we can be given time. Life rolls one and we will focus on where we are going

One Hundren Hearts for Healing

The 100th day of school is coming up and in primary school they make a big deal out of it. Last year we spent days going around taking pictures of numbers to make a book and McKenna wrote the numbers in words on each page. It was truly a family effort. Alyss even made a pizza with the number 90-something in pepperoni. This year, McKenna was listening to the radio, and we generally listen to HIS radio when driving, and she heard them talking about the Hearts for Kids program. People make valentines and send them to the radio station where they are put into Valentine packages for children in the hospital. Well, McKenna decided to make 100 Valentines to give to the children in the hospital. We got stickers, pink and red card stock, foam hearts,etc. and we are making 100 Valentines due FRIDAY! It will be another family effort. What a big heart that little girls has.

A Mountainous Accomplishment

Well, I think I have done it! It took me the entire weekend but tonight I believe I put the last stitch of dirty clothes in the laundry! Getting the laundry done is typically not a mountainous accomplishment when there are only three of us in the house (I should include Marina the cat in that cause she does make messes but typically does not wear our clothes, barfs on them yes, wear them no). This is a simple chore to just take care of as the need for something to wear arises. Well, reconsider this simple chore after I tell you that my walk in closet now has a floor! And there is carpet too! The bins that were overflowing and stacked are no longer there and you can actually walk into my walk in closet. Really! Come try it. I can close the door on you and you can move around, well turn around. I am not Paris Hilton who's closet is bigger than my house! AND ... get this ...(pause for effect) .. McKenna's closet has a floor too! And carpet! No it is not all crammed under the bed! There are No empty hangers, the drawers are neatly organized and full and the last article of clothing is currently spinning around in the dryer! A mountainous accomplishment!

Is it me or does that rock look a little falic?

A Suggestion of a Clean Slate

Sunday, January 24, 2010
from the book The Language of Letting Go

Clearing the Slate

One of the greatest gifts we can give is an open, loving heart. And holding on to negative feelings from past relationships is our greatest barrier to that gift.

Most of us have had relationships that have ended. When we examine these relationships, we need to clear the emotional slate. Are we holding on to anger or resentments? Are we still feeling victimized? Are we living with the self-defeating beliefs that may be attached to these relationships - Women can't be trusted.... Bosses use people.... There is no such thing as a good relationship....

Let go of all that may be blocking your relationships today. With great certainty, we can know that old feelings and self-defeating beliefs will block us today from giving and getting the love we desire. We can clear the slate of the past. It begins with awareness, honesty, and openness. The process is complete when we reach a state of acceptance and peace toward all from our past.

Today, I will begin the process of letting go of all self-defeating feelings and beliefs connected to past relationships. I will clear my slate so I am free to love and be loved.

This was interesting to read this morning. I have to admit I have been struggling with Chad being gone and not hearing from him for days at a time. I have not wanted to admit to others that I send him text or messages, call and he does not answer or respond for fear that it would put him in a bad light. I do not know what he is doing or why he is treating me and our relationship with such neglect. I feel ignored.

But I do know that this has opened the floodgates of my fears and past disappearances of men in my life. Men Disappear (I wrote this in a blog over 4 years ago ... still true today) Chad becomes angry when I share my fears of him disappearing. Not sure why he gets angry. Not sure if he is disappearing to. Just know, I need to clear the slate of this fear for whatever relationship is in my future.

2010: What will this decade bring?

Welcome to 2010! Honestly, I am glad to see the last decade behind me and looking forward is always better than looking back.

Just like most American, I resolve to lose weight, get healthy and learn to eat better this year. Not a diet, a lifestyle change. I am fortunate to have a group of friends that have the same aspirations. We are all doing the food thing in ways that works or us and our lifestyles. We are exercising in ways that is convenient to our budget and time constraints, we are weighing in on Tuesdays togther and offering support. Who couldn't use support from those who love you in times of change and challenge? I am just past the first 21 days of this and have not really gotten into a "habit" but feeling better about it being not a fad of the new year but a change I am committed to make. I need to take it a day at a time and not become discouraged at slow results. I have only lost a total of 6 pounds but still have a lifetime to make the change.

As most know, Chad moved to Phoenix to go to the Motorcycle Mechanics Institute on December 30th. We do not hear much from him. People deal with change in their own ways I suppose. I try to not to speculate why we do not hear from him much or take it personally. I am proud of him for committing to do something he is interested in and know he will do well as he works towards his goal.


Alyssa turned 18 January 17th and on the 18th she got a tattoo. It is the word "grace" on her left side. She says it is because she is here by the grace of God, to remind her to extend grace to others and that she deserves grace too. She talked to me about it, planned it as she is a planner and did say that if I said difinitively "NO" she would not have gotten it. Well, I have always tried to allow her to make decisions for herself, prepare her to be a responsible adult and handle the consequences. I think I am having a harder time with her "growing up" and preparing to leave this year than I am with the tattoo.

McKenna got to sing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" as she lost them back in November and they still have not come in yet. I believe I am headed for braces.

This past fall, I was chosen the AIG Teacher of the Year for Pitt County SChools. I got a letter this past Tuesday stating I was a finalist in the North Carolina State AIG Teacher of the Year Program. I go to Winston Salem in February for a recognition luncheon and the final decision.

As Conan O'Brien says, "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

We will see what happens in 2010.

Inspirational Thoughts

At the bottom of my blog, I have this gadget that puts up an inspirational thought each day. A new day, a new inspiration to think about or better yet, do.

Today's was "Just for today, imagine you are a great warrior and no one can ever stop you from reaching your dreams!" I think I might be able to do that, for one day, well maybe small parts in one day. I do not think it is a fear that holds me back from reaching my dreams. Actually, I am not sure what my dreams are right now. They are more goals or aspirations for my children and how I can provide for their dreams. I do not need to imagine I am a great warrior. I need to imagine I am better organized to use the hours in a day better and not let life get in the way of the things I want to do. But I supposed I could debate myself and say, Hey, life is full of choices. We choose to make time for the things we really want to do. But then, my argument back would be, Hey, you don't have children do you?

I think tomorrow, instead of imagining I am a warrior, I think I will continue to remember to be inspirational.

Buttons

I went to see Casting Crowns last week. It was awesome but in addition to the music, they had such great things to say that made me really think. Mark Hall talked about the enemy pushing all the buttons (right or wrong) that trigger the doubt, fear, negetivity, that makes us step back and as he said "get in line" retract from stepping out with Jesus.

I think in addition to pushing buttons, he also puts on glasses, blinders, lenses that keep us from seeing the good in our lives, magnifying the failure and lack of possibilities and blind us from recognizing love. The love of those around us and the love that God graciously gives. In not seeing correctly, we push the love farther away. The love of others, the steadfast love of God, the love we should have for ourselves. We push it away and don't even see the additional pain we cause ourselves, cause those we love or love us ... this is not what God wants. He does not need us, we can stop retracting from the gifts he gives us feeling that we are not good enough. We can stop the excuses, if I had more money, if I had less failure in my life, if I were thinner, smarter, if I were like someone else and not me, things would be better.

He does not need us, He wants us! God loves us just as we are. Take off the glasses. Remove the buttons. We are broken and beautiful in His eyes. God believes in us. Other people believe in us. Why is it so hard to believe in ourselves? Why is it so hard to listen to the voice of truth?

Mark's Testimony part I
Mark's Testimony Part II

Communications from the Heart

b

Why is it that we think of the people we love several times a day but do not take the time to talk to them about us, our lives, share things... communicate. Well, I love you all, you know I am the worlds worst pen pal (even with email and facebook) and I am not a huge fan of talking on the phone but I want you to know I think of you often and wish we were closer or not so busy to share more of our daily lives.

I have not blogged in almost a year. It was therapeutic for me at one time, a way to get things out and let them go (Messages in Bottles blog), ways to just journal life (Believe in the Promise blog)and at one time I even wrote in a hard copy Book of Beth but that was for me alone to write in and read out of and I am not that much of a loner. So a blogging I will go and share with you, inviting your insight, comments and loving opinions (I just might be asking for it huh?) Technology, I chose to use it to keep in touch with the people that mean so much to me and share communications from the heart.